I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
