I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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