yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
