umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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