While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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