Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
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