I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
