i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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