then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
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