the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
