Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
