the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
