Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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