she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
