One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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