I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
