M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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