OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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