He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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