took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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