And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I could make wine with my vomit
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
