dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
