he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
