We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize