im about as happy as oj after his trial
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I could fuck to npr.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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