Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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