I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
