How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
