no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
