She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
