watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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