halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
