I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
50% drunk capacity currently
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
