my vag is so smooth its legendary
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
