I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
