Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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