i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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