I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
