Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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