There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
