Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
