I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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