you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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