you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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