i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
