and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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