Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
