i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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