Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize