he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
