I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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