Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
