I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
