we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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