Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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