I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize