So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
the day after is always just damage control
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize