I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
