I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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