I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
